Baby steps

So today wasn’t a great day.  After having a pretty good, less tears weekend and managing to leave my laptop at work where it belongs I arrived to one of those Sunday written emails. I’d also managed to sleep in, do 5 mins after arriving got pestered by my line manager next door as to whether I’d replied to it. 

It was an email I’d taken as a you’re not doing your job well enough email. When I was visibly displeased about it I was basically told I was being ridiculous leaving me feeling even more crap at my job and further isolated. 

So obviously, I hung on to it for the rest of the day. As a result I ended up going to a pretty dark place. I got support from a couple of girls on my course meaning that I managed to pull myself together for the last couple of hours, but almost ran to my car to get out of there. I messaged a friend to see if she was around, but unfortunately she was busy. 

Once home, I went to bed, downloaded Beauty and the Beast and self indulged. I didn’t really fall asleep. I decided to take my ex up on an offer of a curry.

We have been split up for 10 years and, pretty much like always, as soon as he turned up my concrete wall went up and I started giving him banter/abuse. He just takes it, not something I’m proud of, but definitely needed last night. 

The bizarre thing…he said I opened up to him more than I have in the 19 years I’ve known him. My response- to say he’s actually listening now, but maybe I am making baby steps forward rather than just making my black hole bigger and bigger. 

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